it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
