On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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