I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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