I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You left your phone here
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