don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
