Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
