I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
