Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
