who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
