I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
