just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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