Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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