but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
