I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
