I'm sorry my penis didn't work
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
