As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
