Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
