i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Two words: blizzard sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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