You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
