I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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