life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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