just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize