I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
