Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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