new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
