I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
