I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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