it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
