Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
