I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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