omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
