This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
