When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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