The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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