i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
