Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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