I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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