I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize