I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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