i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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