Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
