His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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