Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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