So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
