If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
