I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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