I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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