Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
