Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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