VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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