I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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