Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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