I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
