Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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