just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
