Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I am one with the molecules
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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