I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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