Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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