So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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